Jumbo Jokes and Riddles Book Read online

Shakin’ bacon.

  Delivery Man: Your dog bit my leg.

  Lady: Did you put anything on it?

  Delivery Man: No, he seemed to like it just the way it was.

  When is a sheep like a dog?

  When it has fleece.

  GROSS-O-METER

  Owls trap their prey and then swallow it whole. That means fur, skin, bones— everything. Then, as if that weren’t gross enough, they cough up the fur, skin, and bones in a giant ball of grossness. They keep the meat down and digest it. Regurgitating a mouse gets an eight on the Gross-o-meter scale.

  What do you get if you cross a sheep with a black belt in karate?

  Lamb chops.

  What did the cat call the mouse?

  Breakfast.

  Why can’t skunks keep secrets?

  Someone is always catching wind of them.

  Why do mother birds puke in their babies’ mouths?

  They want to send them out with a hot breakfast.

  Sam: Our new dog is like a member of the family.

  John: I can see the resemblance.

  What am I?

  Am I dead or alive? You’ll never know. If you get too near, I may simply pretend to die. I may turn upside down, throw back my head, and even hold my mouth open. If I’m faking, you don’t want to come too close. This is when I’ll attack.

  What am I?

  GROSS-O-METER

  In 1945, Lloyd Olsen of Colorado cut the head off a chicken. The chicken, named Mike, lived for eighteen months without a head. The chicken became a celebrity and even went on tour. Headless chickens running around the yard rate a ten on the Gross-o-meter scale.

  What was the pig’s favorite karate move?

  The pork chop.

  Why did the vulture cross the road?

  He had fowl reasons.

  What happened to the boy who sat under the cow?

  He got a pat on the head.

  What did one toad say to the other?

  Warts new?

  What do you have left if a pig eats all your watermelon?

  Pork rinds.

  What do lions call antelopes?

  Fast food.

  Why did the lion feel sick after every meal?

  It’s hard to keep a good man down.

  Foul Language

  Scat

  Have you ever been walking through a wooded area and all of a sudden you feel something mushy under your shoe? Chances are, you stepped in scat. Scat is the little poop pellets left behind by deer, rabbits, or other wildlife.

  Why didn’t the mother pig let her piglets play with toads?

  She didn’t want them to turn into wart hogs.

  What happened to the hen that ate gun powder?

  She laid hen grenades.

  What did the pig play at the casino?

  The slop machines.

  Why was the mouse crying?

  He found out his father was a rat.

  What kind of shark would never eat a woman?

  A man-eating shark.

  What happens if you kiss an electric eel?

  You have a shocking experience.

  What’s grosser than a three-headed spider with forty eyes?

  Not much.

  Why is a toothless dog like a tree?

  It has more bark than bite.

  Sick Change

  You can change a normal word into a gross-out word by simply changing a letter!

  Try it and pee—oops, that should be try it and see!

  What has four legs and flies?

  A dead cow.

  How did the depressed frog die?

  He kermitted suicide.

  What did the angry pig say to his wife?

  You take me for grunted.

  What sound does a dog make when it’s throwing up?

  Barf, barf.

  How do you get a whole set of teeth for free?

  Make a lion angry.

  On what day of the week do lions eat people?

  Chewsday.

  How do you turn a snake into a vegetable?

  Slam it against a rock and you have squash.

  What am I?

  I can be very deceiving to my enemies. I live in the deep, dark jungle and I look like a vine twisted around a tree. When no one is looking, I slither along. If you’re a small animal and you come too near, I’ll make dinner out of you!

  What am I?

  Knock Knock

  Who’s there?

  Howard.

  Howard who?

  Howard I know the dog would

  puke if I fed him cat poop?

  What’s black and white and flat?

  A penguin that’s been run over by a steam roller.

  What’s red and green and spins around really fast?

  A frog in a blender.

  What happened to the man who tried to cross a lion with a goat?

  He had to get a new goat.

  Did you hear about the dog that got first prize at the cat show?

  He ate the first prize cat.

  You know what they say about a bird in hand?

  It poops on your wrist.

  Why did the musical band eat the rabbit?

  They wanted to play hip hop.

  What animal always pukes after it eats?

  The yak.

  What’s green and hangs from trees?

  Monkey snot.

  How do you know when you’re eating rabbit pie?

  It has hares in it.

  Where do bats stay while they’re on vacation?

  The Caved Inn.

  What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?

  A hot, cross bunny.

  Why did Jim put his German shepherd in the oven?

  He wanted a hot dog.

  What’s worse than five dead cats in one garbage can?

  One dead cat in five garbage cans.

  Where do pigs go when they are sick?

  The hog-spital.

  Why did the frog ride a motorcycle with his mouth open?

  He thought it would be easier to catch flies.

  What did the pig do when he identified the butcher in a police lineup?

  He squealed.

  What do you get when you feed a cow too many worms?

  Disgusting milk.

  What kind of fish don’t swim?

  Dead ones.

  What does a shark call a family he sees on the beach?

  A five-course meal.

  What do you get when you cross an ape with a bunch of earthworms?

  Giant holes in the garden.

  When is fishing bad for you?

  When you’re a worm.

  What do you call a fairy that never showers?

  To find out the answer to this riddle, figure out which letters are described by each fraction. Print the letters, in order, in the boxes from left to right.

  Ed: We just sold our sheep for $100.00.

  Fred: We just sold our new puppy.

  Ed: What did you sell it for?

  Fred: For pooping on the floor.

  What does a chicken that lays a square egg say?

  Ouch.

  What do you get if you cross an elephant with a cockroach?

  I don’t know, but if it crawls up your wall, you’d better get a new house.

  What happened to the bear that ate a clock?

  He got ticks.

  What do you give a pig with pimples?

  Oinkment.

  Foul Language

  Venom

  Many creepy creatures, such as snakes and scorpions, have a very deadly way of defending themselves. Some of them can spew out enough venom, or poison, through their fangs, claws, or stingers to paralyze or even kill prey.

  What do you get if you cross a skunk with a porcupine?

  A stinky pin cushion.

  What kind of bird do cats eat?

  Swallows.

  What did the man say when his dog got hit by a train?

  Doggone.

  What w
ould we need if pigs really could fly?

  Bigger umbrellas.

  Little Mona: I’d like to buy a kitty cat. How much do they cost?

  Shop Owner: Fifty dollars apiece.

  Little Mona: Oh no, how much is a whole one?

  What is green and prickly?

  A sick porcupine.

  Why do some animals eat their young?

  They love them to death.

  What do you call it when a chicken stumbles in the road?

  A road trip.

  What do you call a fish with no eyes?

  Fsh.

  Why are goldfish orange?

  The water makes them rusty.

  What happens when you put a baby goat in a blender?

  You get a crazy mixed-up kid.

  Why did the duck cross the road during rush hour?

  To show the chicken he had guts.

  Foul Language

  Rabies

  Rabies is one scary virus. Humans can only get this virus if an infected animal bites them. Rabid animals may foam at the mouth, act strangely, and tend to look sick. Rabies is common in raccoons, wolves, and other wild animals that might live near your home—so be careful!

  What smells of fish parts and goes round and round?

  A goldfish in a washing machine during spin cycle.

  What do you get if you cross a goat with a baby cow?

  Half and calf.

  How do you know a sick frog when you see one?

  He croaks out of both ends.

  How does a cow get even when someone makes her mad?

  She creams him.

  Where do you find a no-legged cat?

  Right where you left him.

  Why was the chicken kicked out of school?

  He was being fowl.

  What happened to the wolf that swallowed a sheep?

  He felt baaaaaaaaad.

  What do you call a deer with no eyes?

  No eye deer.

  What sound does a cat make before it eats a mouse?

  The hiss of death.

  What did the mother lion say to her cub who was chasing a man around a tree?

  Stop playing with your food.

  What did the piranha say when the students took a class trip to the beach?

  Fresh meat just arrived!

  Who goes into a tiger’s den and comes out in one piece?

  The tiger.

  What did the freshly bathed dog say to the insect?

  Long time no flea.

  What’s black and white and red all over?

  A skunk with poison ivy.

  What does a pig call his hot date?

  Fine swine.

  Did you hear about the limping dog?

  He laid down to chew a bone and when he got up he only had three legs.

  What do you get if you cross an eel and a sponge?

  A shock absorber.

  What do you get when you put a parrot in a blender?

  Shredded tweet.

  What’s a vulture’s favorite snack?

  Road pie.

  How do you raise a kitten?

  By its neck.

  What do you find under the feet of an elephant?

  Squished mice.

  Why did the turkey stop eating his dinner?

  He was already stuffed.

  How do you keep a rooster from waking you up in the morning?

  Cook him the night before.

  Why do giraffes have such long necks?

  Because their feet stink.

  What did the lady say when her parrot died?

  Polygon.

  Why did the girl laugh when the cow fell off the cliff?

  There’s no point in crying over spilled milk.

  What words do skunks live by?

  Eat, stink, and be merry.

  Why did the dog laugh after chewing the bone?

  It was a funny bone.

  What did the snake say to his young son?

  Stop your crying and viper your nose.

  What’s the definition of a slick chick?

  Poultry that slid into a puddle of motor oil.

  What does an aardvark take for indigestion?

  Anta-seltzer.

  What do you call a cow with no legs?

  Ground beef.

  What do frogs love to drink more than anything else?

  Croaka-Cola.

  What do you call a sheep in a rainstorm?

  A wet blanket.

  What do you get when you put a leopard in your dishwasher?

  Spotty dishes.

  What is black and white and red all over?

  A sunburned penguin.

  Chapter 26

  Horrible Humans

  What’s the difference between Gross Grandma’s cooking and a pile of slugs?

  Gross Grandma’s cooking comes on a plate.

  Why are executioners so smart?

  Because they always watch the noose.

  Knock Knock

  Who’s there?

  Huron.

  Huron who?

  Huron my toe! Ouch!

  Bar of soap: “Sometimes I think I have the worst job in the world.”

  Toilet paper: “Think again.”

  Did you hear about the restaurant where you could eat dirt cheap?

  Who wants to eat dirt?

  What did one booger say to the other?

  You think you’re funny, but you’re snot.

  Why did Ned’s mom say he ate like a bird?

  He kept eating worms.

  What happened to the mad scientist who fell into the bubbling acid?

  He became absorbed in his work.

  Knock Knock

  Who’s there?

  One shoe.

  One shoe who?

  One shoe bathe once in a while?

  What do you call a knight who picks his nose?

  Sir Picks-a-lot.

  Why did Jimmy tell his sister she reminded him of the sea?

  Because he made her sick.

  What do you call a man with no arms or legs holding up your car?

  Jack.

  Seriously Sick

  Did you ever hear the saying “Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water”? Long ago only one bathtub full of water was used to bathe an entire family. The oldest went first, so by the time the baby was bathed, the water was so dirty you could hardly see him.

  Why did everyone tell the old hag she looked like a million bucks?

  Because she was green and wrinkled.

  Why do stabbing victims hate the ocean?

  They don’t like to pour salt in their wounds.

  How do you make a handkerchief dance?

  Put a little boogie in it.

  Why did the leper go back into the shower?

  He forgot his head and shoulders.

  Why did the sword swallower switch to pins and needles?

  He needed to lose weight.

  What is it called when someone gets hit in the face with slime?

  Goo-lash.

  Foul Language

  Plaque

  This is a clear, sticky substance that builds up on your teeth. It is made up of leftover food and mucus. If you don’t brush regularly, it will spread to your gums and tongue. It can cause cavities, gum disease, and really bad breath. Ew!

  What do you call a man who sticks his right hand in an alligator’s mouth?

  Lefty.

  What do babies with dirty diapers and security officers have in common?

  They are both on duty.

  What did the magician say to the fisherman?

  Pick a cod, any cod.

  Knock Knock

  Who’s there?

  Urine.

  Urine who?

  Urine my way!

  Seriously Sick

  Have you ever wondered what people did before indoor plumbing? If you lived in a crowded city, you peed and pooped in buckets kept in your bedroom. When the buckets were filled, you’d simply throw the nasty mix right out y
our windows and into the street! Now, there’s a good use for an umbrella.

  What happened when Jimmy’s mother said she was going to take him to the zoo?

  His father said not to bother—if the zoo wanted Jimmy, they could come and get him.

  What did one toilet say to the other?

  You look a little flushed.

  Why did the drummer bring the chicken to band practice?

  He needed new drumsticks.

  Little Johnny: Mother, do you have holes in your underwear?

  Mother: No, of course not.

  Little Johnny: Well, then how do you get your feet through?

  How do you get to the hospital in a hurry?

  Stand in front of a bus.

  What did the audience do when the comedian bent over too far?

  Cracked up.

  When a knight dies in battle, what do they put on his gravestone?

  Rust in peace.

  What has a broom and flies?

  A janitor covered in poop.

  How come Johnny’s mother used to say he was going to drive her to her grave?

  Well, you don’t expect her to walk, do you?

  Seriously Sick

  Earwax in your ear canal helps block out all the nasty stuff trying to get in there. You know, like dirt, dust, small insects, even germs. You’ve got over 2,000 glands in your ear working hard to make this wax.

  How do you know if someone has a fake eye?

  It usually comes out in conversation.

  What happens to writers who don’t make it to heaven?

  They become ghost writers.

  How did the man in the electric chair pay for his last meal?

  He charged it.

  Why do doctors study a lot before prescribing medicine for bad skin diseases?

  They don’t want to be rash.

  Sluuuurp

  These two sloppy slurpers are both eating bowls of soup. Can you find the 10 differences between the two?

  Strange Soup

  Some people make soup out of some pretty weird ingredients! Unscramble the letters at the bottom of this page to find the names of four different and unusual soups. Would you eat these?

  GROSS-O-METER

  A man in India named Radhakant Bajpai gets the award for the longest ear hair in the world, at over five inches long. Now, imagine that ear hair falling into your peanut butter sandwich. That gets a solid ten on the Gross-o-meter scale.