Jumbo Jokes and Riddles Book Read online

  Why did the mosquito get braces?

  To improve his bite.

  What am I?

  One of my favorite foods is rotten fruit. Give me a squishy banana left out in the sun too long, and I’ll be the happiest creature you’ve ever seen! I’ve got a yellow and black jacket that makes me look pretty scary, but the truth is, I have no sting.

  What am I?

  Seriously Sick

  Did you ever notice that only some mosquitoes squirt blood when you squish them and others don’t? This is because only females dine on your blood. A female needs your blood to feed her babies, and she lays anywhere from 100 to 500 eggs at a time.

  Knock Knock

  Who’s there?

  Wilfred.

  Wilfred who?

  Wilfred eat chocolate-covered ants?

  Why are mosquitoes so annoying?

  They have a way of getting under your skin.

  Chapter 23

  Barf-davs and Other Celebrations

  Boy Monster: Did you get the heart I sent you for Valentine’s Day?

  Girl Monster: Why yes, thank you, it’s still beating.

  What do you sing at a birthday party where everyone gets sick from the cake?

  Happy Barf-day.

  Seriously Sick

  As soon as food gets to your stomach, hydrochloric acid attacks that chewed-up mush like there’s no tomorrow. Acid rips apart and dissolves the food until it’s ready to go through the rest of your digestive system. This acid is powerful enough to completely dissolve a stainless steel spoon, though this probably isn’t your first choice for an afternoon snack!

  What did the executioner say to his family?

  Only fifteen chopping days till the holidays!

  What’s another word for bunny poop?

  Easter eggs.

  What happened to the snowman at the Fourth of July picnic?

  They turned him into snow cones and ate him.

  What do spider brides wear?

  Webbing dresses.

  Who did the gravediggers invite to their Halloween party?

  Anyone they could dig up.

  What do you get if an ax falls on your head?

  Write as many answers as you can under the clues. Then, enter each letter into its numbered box in the answer grid. Work back and forth between the clues and the grid to get the answer to the riddle.

  What do you call an insect dance?

  A moth ball.

  What kind of ice cream makes you barf?

  Van-ill-a.

  Why did the birthday girl bring toilet paper to her party?

  She was a party pooper.

  Cannibal 1: What gorgeous eyes you have!

  Cannibal 2: Thank you, they were a birthday present.

  Did you hear about the pig who started hiding garbage on Halloween?

  He wanted to do his Christmas slopping early.

  What shoots stuffing across the room?

  A turkey fart.

  How did the man feel after eating the whole Christmas goose?

  He felt pretty down.

  Why did the monster get fired from his job at the candy store?

  He kept biting the heads off the chocolate bunnies.

  Totally Twisted

  Here’s a fun Halloween recipe to make your very own boogers on a stick. Just mix some Cheese Whiz with a few drops of green food coloring and dip pretzel sticks in it. Serve these treats to all your friends in costumes.

  Use the banana decoder to break the code and answer this riddle!

  What’s invisible and smells like bananas?

  Totally Twisted

  Gross out your friends with a box of yuckiness! Get a bunch of grapes and cover them with olive oil. Then put them in a shoebox and cut a hole out of the box just big enough for only your hand. Label the box “Human Eyeballs.” Then, with an adult’s help, cook some spaghetti, drain it, and add oil. Put that in another box with a hole just big enough for your hand. Label it “Slimy Worms.” Invite your friends over and dare them to feel what lurks inside each box.

  What’s a witch’s favorite dessert?

  Ice scream.

  Customer: Waitress, what’s that fly doing on my birthday cake?

  Waitress: Laying eggs.

  What game do elephants play with mice?

  Squash.

  How do slugs greet each other on January 1st?

  Happy Goo Year!

  To find the answer to this knock-knock, cross out all letters that follow these rules:

  • Sounds like what you do in the toilet

  • Third letter of a common word for “gas”

  • First letter of an icky pimple name

  When you are finished, read the remaining letters from left to right, and top to bottom.

  Knock, knock.

  Who’s there?

  Chapter 24

  Cannibals, Vampires,

  and Other Freaky Folks

  Did you hear about the cannibal who ate his uncle’s wife?

  He was an aunt-eater.

  Why do cannibals leave space around a body at a funeral?

  They need room to serve the appetizers.

  What’s worse than getting too close to a werewolf?

  Getting too close to a werewolf with lice.

  How do hairy scary monsters count to 100?

  On their warts.

  Cannibal 1: I don’t like my wife.

  Cannibal 2: Perhaps a little pepper would help.

  What does a cannibal call a body on its way to a funeral home?

  A moveable feast.

  Totally Twisted

  Make your own gaping wound with Vaseline, ketchup, cocoa powder, and a paper towel. Mix together a glob of Vaseline and some ketchup. Sprinkle in a bit of cocoa powder. Dip a piece of paper towel in plain Vaseline and stick it on your arm. Mold it so the ends stick up a bit. Then add your wound mixture.

  What do you give a dragon with an upset stomach?

  Lots of room.

  Why did the vampire get fired from his job as zookeeper?

  He kept biting the visitors.

  How do you help a starving cannibal?

  Give him a helping hand.

  What does a man-eater call a bunch of bodies in a hearse?

  Meals on wheels.

  Why did the cannibal get expelled from school?

  He kept buttering up the teacher.

  What did the cannibal eat while he was on a diet?

  Children.

  What do vampires do to feel better?

  Relax in a blood bath.

  What do cannibals call a noontime funeral?

  Lunch.

  How do vampires travel the ocean?

  By blood vessel.

  What’s a flesh-eater’s favorite side dish?

  Human beans.

  GROSS-O-METER

  About ten billion minuscule flakes of skin fall off your body every day. If you collected all that skin, by the end of your life you would have eighteen sugar bags full. That’s just gross. Dead flaky skin all over the place gets an eight on the Gross-o-meter scale.

  Divide the number of spaces between all of your toes by the number of nostrils in your nose.

  What number do you get? Collect all the words from the word grid that have this number. Put them in the correct order to find the answer to this riddle:

  Why couldn’t the caveman hear the pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

  Why did Dracula’s girlfriend dump him?

  The relationship was very draining.

  What did the alien say when he met the cat?

  Take me to your litter.

  What do you get if you cross a snowman and a vampire?

  Frostbite.

  What do you call a bunch of man-eaters that like sweaty feet?

  Odor eaters.

  Foul Language

  Bromhidrosis

  You know how sometimes at the end of a hot day you take off your shoes and socks only to be overwhelmed by an awful smell? It’s some
times enough to clear out a whole room! Well, this condition of stinky feet actually has a very scientific name: bromhidrosis. Some simple powder or foot deodorizer is an easy cure.

  What does a cannibal call a man in a hammock?

  Breakfast in bed.

  Why did the cannibal eat the tightrope walker?

  He wanted a balanced meal.

  How did the monster stop her son from biting his nails?

  She knocked his teeth out.

  Why did the cannibal eat the brains of his victims?

  It gave him food for thought.

  Why couldn’t the cannibal kids have their pets at the dinner table?

  Pets are only served at breakfast.

  What do witches use to style their hair?

  Scare spray.

  What do cannibals call a burial at sea?

  Seafood.

  Why did the vampire get taken away in a straitjacket?

  He had gone batty.

  Why do cannibals eat by candlelight?

  So they can see who’s being served.

  How did the werewolf send his birthday cards?

  By hair-mail.

  What did the vampire eat after he had his teeth pulled?

  The dentist.

  What do sea monsters eat for dinner?

  Fish and ships.

  Did you hear about the young cannibal who hated his teacher?

  His mother suggested he try her with ketchup.

  What do you call a great big sea monster that hangs people?

  The loch noose monster.

  Why do people get so upset when a vampire bites them?

  It’s a drain in the neck.

  What do you get if you cross a piranha with your nose?

  Use a reverse alphabet code (A=Z, B=Y, C=X, etc.) to figure out the answer to this riddle!

  Seriously Sick

  Ever wonder which muscle in the human body is the biggest? It’s your gluteus maximus, or the muscle in your rear end. This muscle helps to hold you upright and also helps you swing your legs. Without the gluteus maximus, you couldn’t sit or stand!

  What happens if you make a cannibal angry?

  You end up in hot water.

  What did the teacher give the cannibals?

  Their first taste of education.

  How do you tell when two monsters are getting along?

  They see eye to eye to eye.

  How did the cannibal like his guests?

  Medium well.

  What happened to the cannibal who ate the comedian?

  He felt a little funny.

  Why don’t cannibals ever oversleep?

  They don’t want to be breakfast.

  Why didn’t the cannibal want to go to the crematorium for lunch?

  They overcook everything.

  What kind of mail does Dracula receive after doing a movie?

  Fang mail.

  GROSS-O-METER

  Pierre Beauchemin was the most flexible man in the world. He once dislocated both his legs to prove that he could fit in a box the size of a picnic basket. Doing strange things to your body to fit in unusually small places gets a nine on the Gross-o-meter scale.

  Totally Twisted

  Make your own gross pie. Get a cooked pie shell, and combine a cup and a half of milk, one cup of flour, two eggs, and a little green food coloring in a bowl. With adult supervision, heat the mixture on low on the stove top. Pour the mixture into the pie crust. Add Gummy worms and let cool. Freeze pie before serving.

  Did you hear about the monster that threw up?

  It was all over town.

  What does a vampire say to his victims?

  It’s been nice gnawing you.

  How do you know when there’s a huge monster under the bed?

  Your face touches the ceiling.

  Why do mother monsters read to their children?

  To engross them.

  What’s a cannibal’s favorite wine?

  One with lots of body.

  Why did the vampire get sick after lunch?

  He ate a stake sandwich.

  Why did the monster eat his watch?

  He was trying to kill time.

  Did you hear about the vampire who keeps his teeth in the freezer?

  He gives his victims frostbite.

  Foul Language

  Sputum

  This is basically another word for phlegm, or that mucus that seeps into your throat and makes you gag. If you’re congested, your respiratory system makes a lot of sputum and you really have no choice but to spit it up or swallow it.

  Why do vampires drink blood?

  Grape juice makes them burp.

  Why did the cannibal join the police department?

  So he could grill his suspects.

  Why don’t cannibals like to eat internal organs?

  They are hard to stomach.

  What do you get when you cross a vampire with a nun?

  A nasty habit.

  What’s worse than being a 300-pound witch?

  Being her broom.

  What do you call a vampire child’s allowance for lunch?

  Blood money.

  What do cannibals call body parts that have been removed during surgery?

  Leftovers.

  What’s it called when cannibals use embalming fluid on a body?

  Seasoning.

  Seriously Sick

  Believe it or not, there are thousands of spores in the air just waiting to assault you. They’re all over you, in every part of your room, and even on the food you eat. When they find a good landing place—usually some old leftover food or a dead animal—they implant themselves, causing gross, fuzzy mold.

  Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?

  Because they taste funny.

  What’s yellow and smells of dead humans?

  Cannibal puke.

  Why did the vampire go to art school?

  He needed to draw blood.

  What happened when the gross green monster appeared on stage?

  He got a lot of ooze and ahs.

  What game do cannibals love to play?

  Swallow the leader.

  Why was the Cyclops such an attentive teacher?

  He only had one pupil.

  Why do cannibals like having their relatives for dinner?

  It gives them a chance to serve loved ones.

  Why don’t vampires like steak?

  It goes right through them.

  Why don’t man-eaters eat bratty, rich kids?

  Because they’re spoiled.

  Chapter 25

  Atrocious Animals

  What did the leopard say after eating the tourist?

  That hit the spot.

  Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?

  Because they have big fingers.

  Fred: My canary died of the flu.

  Ed: How did that happen?

  Fred: He flew into a car.

  What do you call it when one vulture throws a dead animal at another vulture?

  A food fight.

  What do you call a man who’s been mauled by a tiger?

  Gord.

  Customer: I’d like to buy a bird, please.

  Clerk: I’ve got the perfect one. She sings and she’s got red feathers.

  Customer: Never mind that, how long does she take to cook?

  What did Jimmy say when his mother asked if he put the cat out?

  Is the cat on fire again?

  What am I?

  I am such a slimy creature that I can turn a jar of water into a big slimy mess in a matter of seconds. Not only that, I eat my prey from the inside out, leaving nothing but a bag of skin and bones.

  What am I?

  What’s wet, stinks, and goes thump de thump de thump?

  A skunk in the dryer.

  What’s gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside?

  A mouse sandwich.

  What do you call a brontosaurus trapped in a glacier?

  A fossicle.
r />   Why did the mother hen roll her eggs around the henhouse?

  She liked playing with children.

  What do you do if you find a boa constrictor in your toilet?

  Wait until he’s finished.

  How did the farmer feel when a bird pooped in his eye?

  He was thankful that pigs can’t fly.

  Son: The dog just ate the dinner mom made for us.

  Father: Don’t worry, son, we’ll get you a new dog.

  How do you make your puppy disappear?

  Use Spot remover.

  Mother: Why did you pull the dog’s tail?

  Son: I didn’t pull it. I was standing on it and he pulled it.

  What am I?

  I only have hair in one place on my body and it’s not on my head. It’s inside my mouth! When I’m born, my skin is so transparent you can see my insides. I live with others like me in deep, dark underground tunnels. I may be ugly, but I’m not alone.

  What am I?

  Why did the elephant paint himself brown?

  So he could hide in a pile of manure.

  Why was the kangaroo so upset after she’d been pick-pocketed?

  Her whole family was missing.

  Why are all the dogs raving about the newest dog food?

  It tastes like the mailman.

  What do you call a cat with a wooden leg?

  Peg.

  What’s the difference between a rat and your spaghetti?

  The rat won’t slip off the fork when you go to eat it.

  What’s black and white and black and white?

  A penguin rolling down a mountain.

  What did one frog say to the other?

  Time’s sure fun when you’re having flies.

  Farmer: I had to shoot the cow.

  Farmer’s wife: Was she mad?

  Farmer: She wasn’t too happy about it.

  Mother: Why did you put a toad in your brother’s bed?

  Sister: I couldn’t find a python.

  What do you call a dancing pig?