Jumbo Jokes and Riddles Book Read online

  What are the two things that stopped Sheila from becoming a ballerina?

  Her feet.

  How do you make a baby drink?

  Stick it in a blender.

  Did you hear about the woman who thought she had the face of a sixteen year old?

  Her husband told her to give it back.

  What did the poor person do when he couldn’t afford shoes?

  He painted his feet and tied his toes together.

  Pete: My doctor said to drink some tea after a hot bath.

  Bob: Did you drink the tea?

  Pete: Well, I haven’t finished drinking the hot bath yet.

  How did Sally Picker hurt her finger?

  The school bully broke her nose.

  Did you hear about the constipated musician?

  He couldn’t finish his last movement.

  On what day of the week do lions eat people?

  To find the answer to this gross riddle, fill in the words that answer each description below. Then read down the shaded column. We left you some S-C-R-A-P-S to get you started!

  1. To chew with a crackling sound

  2. To chew noisily

  3. Flesh of an animal used as food

  4. Take little bites again and again

  5. To eat richly on a special occasion

  6. One who is eating

  7. What you do after you chew

  8. Not neat; messy

  What do you call a person with three ears, four eyes, and warts all over his face?

  Ugly.

  Did you hear about the patient who complained that he needed something for his liver?

  The doctor told him to try adding onions.

  What did Sally see when her friend Dawn bent over?

  The crack of dawn.

  What did the lady say to the man who came to the door with a funny face?

  Thanks, but I’ve already got one.

  Fred: Whenever I take my girlfriend out for dinner she eats her head off.

  Ed: Stop complaining. She looks better that way.

  Knock Knock

  Who’s there?

  Blue.

  Blue who?

  Blue your nose on your sleeve again?

  Why was the sword swallower arrested?

  He coughed and killed two people.

  How come the millionaire never showered?

  He was filthy rich.

  Why don’t burn victims like to eat in the hospital?

  The food makes their skin crawl.

  Why did the toilet paper run down the mountain?

  It wanted to get to the bottom.

  GROSS-O-METER

  In the not-too-distant past, doctors would actually taste a patient’s pee to see if it was sweet. If it was too sweet, that meant the patient might have a disease called diabetes. Pee-drinking ranks a solid ten on the Gross-o-meter scale. Would you like a cookie with that?

  What did one eye say to the other?

  Between you and me, I think something smells.

  What do you get when you mix tacos and a person who’s not feeling so good?

  I don’t know, but you’re standing in it.

  What’s it called when you pick your nose and hide it for later?

  The pick and save.

  What do you call a person with no arms or legs floating in the water?

  Bob.

  What was the farmer able to prove when the chicken got run over by a steamroller?

  That it had a lot of guts.

  Did you ever see the movie “Constipation”?

  It never came out.

  What am I?

  I am a disease that infects your nose. You’ll feel mucus building up and getting really goopy as I make it a breeding ground for bacteria. Soon the mucus will start to rot and turn into green or black crust. Your nose will begin to stink.

  What am I?

  Why did the kids call Johnny “flat-face”?

  Because he kept his nose to the grindstone.

  What’s worse than two Siamese twins connected at the mouth?

  Watching one of them throw up.

  What do you get if you slime a telephone worker?

  A smooth operator.

  Why did the baby cross the road?

  He was stapled to the chicken.

  How do you stop a sleepwalker?

  Cover the floor with tacks.

  What’s worse than a boy who picks his nose?

  A boy who picks someone else’s nose.

  Do you know about Larry the Loafer?

  He’s so lazy that he sticks his nose out the window so the wind will blow it for him.

  What happens when you cross a judge with poison ivy?

  You get rash decisions.

  How do you catch dandruff?

  Shake your head over a paper bag.

  What happened to the thief who stole from the blood bank?

  He was caught red-handed.

  Where do butchers go to dance?

  The Meat Ball.

  Knock Knock

  Who’s there?

  Wendy.

  Wendy who?

  Wendy sneezes come,

  snot goes everywhere.

  Foul Language

  Bile

  This is yellow or greenish liquid that comes from your liver. Its job is to break down fats in your body. When it’s done doing its job, it becomes part of your poop. As a matter of fact, that’s what gives your poop its nice color.

  Why was the fireman so upset?

  He ran into an old flame.

  Patient: Doctor, I threw my back out, what should I do?

  Doctor: Maybe you can catch the garbage truck before it leaves.

  What happened to the man who put his false teeth in backwards?

  He ate himself.

  How did the garbage man break up with his girlfriend?

  He dumped her.

  What kind of skin problem does a beekeeper have?

  Hives.

  What’s the best cure for a headache?

  Put your head through the window and the pane will go away.

  What do people with weak bladders and people who wear old stockings have in common?

  They both get runs down their legs.

  Customer: The water in this glass is cloudy.

  Waiter: Don’t worry—the water’s fine.

  It’s just the glass that’s cloudy.

  Why didn’t the photographer develop his pictures of the boogeyman?

  He was afraid to be alone in the dark with them.

  Knock Knock

  Who’s there?

  Emma.

  Emma who?

  Emma ’fraid you have an ugly face.

  What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?

  A salad shooter.

  What did the first mate see in the toilet?

  The captain’s log.

  What did the drooling butler say to the guests when he answered the door?

  Greetings and salivations.

  If vegetarians only eat vegetables, what do you call humans that eat other humans?

  Sick.

  What am I?

  I can be found inside your mouth. I’m a slippery mix of mucus, protein, salt, and water. I help you chew and digest your food. Sometimes when you sleep I trickle out the side of your mouth.

  What am I?

  Did you hear what happened to the man who lost his left arm and leg in an accident?

  He’s all right now.

  What kind of underwear is good for putting out fires?

  Pantyhose.

  What does a liar do when he’s sleeping?

  He lies still.

  GROSS-O-METER

  Think your toilet paper is doing a good job? Think again. The germs from human poop can go through over ten layers of toilet paper! That gets a solid ten (pun intended) on the Gross-o-meter scale. Don’t forget to wash your hands!

  Why did they lock up the man who thought he was a bird?

  He was a raven lunatic.

/>   What’s the difference between a thermometer that goes in your bottom and one that goes in your mouth?

  The taste.

  Why was everyone amazed when they saw the Catskill Mountains?

  Because cats usually only kill mice.

  Mother: Why do you play the same song on the piano over and over?

  Son: I find it haunting.

  Mother: It should haunt you— you murdered it!

  What happened to the thief who fell into the wet cement?

  He went on to become a hardened criminal.

  Patient: Is there anything else I can do for my pimples?

  Doctor: No, that’s zit.

  Knock Knock

  Who’s there?

  Goose.

  Goose who?

  Goose see a doctor, you look horrible.

  What kind of training do you need to be a garbage collector?

  None, you pick it up as you go along.

  B-ughs!

  Answer these

  questions about

  Bart’s bug

  collection:

  Are there

  more spiders

  or roaches?

  If each fly has

  6 legs,

  how many

  fly legs

  are there?

  Which mosquito

  has just bitten

  someone? How

  can you tell?

  Why did the office aide chop off her fingers?

  So she could write shorthand.

  Why don’t lepers like comedy shows?

  It makes them laugh their heads off.

  Did you hear about the constipated banker?

  He couldn’t budget.

  Why was the teacher so upset when her eye fell out of her head?

  She couldn’t bear to lose another pupil.

  Fred: My brother does great farmyard impressions.

  Ted: What animal does he sound like?

  Fred: He doesn’t, he just smells like a pig.

  GROSS-O-METER

  In 1981, a twelve-year-old girl named Donna Griffiths began sneezing and didn’t stop for 978 days. It was estimated that she sneezed a million times that first year until her sneezes slowed down to one every five minutes. A million snot rags ranks eight on the Gross-o-meter scale.

  What do you call a person lying in front of your door?

  Matt.

  Fred: This morning I gave my brother soap flakes for breakfast instead of corn flakes.

  Ed: What happened?

  Fred: He was so mad, he started foaming at the mouth.

  What do you call a leper who has good luck?

  A leper-chaun.

  What do you call it when a boy vomits up his steak?

  Up-chuck.

  How did the woman feel after she got run over by a car?

  Tired.

  How did the dunce burn his ear?

  He got a telephone call while he was ironing.

  There are three men in the bathroom. One is rushing toward the stall, one is on his way out, and the other is inside the stall. What nationalities are they?

  Russian, Finnish, and European.

  What’s the medical term for a lady who throws up all the time?

  Girl hurl.

  How many people does it take to wallpaper a room?

  Two, but only if they are thinly sliced.

  Did you hear about the girl who had long blonde hair growing down her back?

  Pity it didn’t grow on her head.

  How did the leper get into a car accident?

  He left his foot on the gas pedal.

  What am I?

  I am a fungus that thrives in warm sweaty areas. My specialty is causing painful cracks and blisters between your toes. I lurk on all types of floors and in your shoes. If I want to be really nasty I’ll make one of your toenails my home.

  What am I?

  What did Jane’s mother say when Jane wanted to lick the bowl?

  You must flush it like everybody else.

  What happened to the man who flushed himself down the toilet?

  He committed sewer-cide.

  What’s the meaning of bravery?

  A person with diarrhea chancing a fart.

  Patient: My kidneys have been giving me a hard time.

  Doctor: Well, just take them back to the butcher.

  What do a Slinky and a school bully have in common?

  They’re both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.

  What happened to the man with amnesia when he farted?

  It all came back to him.

  How did Stinky Joe’s mom stop him from biting his nails?

  She made him wear shoes.

  How do you make anti-freeze?

  Hide her sweater.

  The Proper Way to Pick

  Deep Sea Picking

  This is when you pick your nose so deep it’s as if you were diving for buried treasure.

  Fork Pick

  This is when your fingers just aren’t long enough to get what’s up there, so you use a fork or other tool. This one is not recommended.

  Lottery Pick

  This is when you’ve been picking for days on end and finally hit the jackpot. Your excitement is so overwhelming, it’s like you’ve just won a million bucks.

  Sad Pickings

  This is when you pick your nose just because you are unhappy and it gives you something to do besides think about what’s making you sad.

  Pick All Day

  This is when you are absolutely obsessed with picking your nose. You use more than one finger and you just can’t stop picking.

  Secret Pick

  This is when no one is around and you pick your nose with freedom and joy. You get way up in there, and you even fling what you find all over the room.

  Picking with Pride

  This is when you’re in public, but you just can’t resist the urge to pick. So you pick proudly (and hope that no one notices).

  The Fake-Out Pick

  This is when you pretend you have an itch, but what you’re really doing is looking for boogers that may have strayed out of your nostrils.

  Surprise Picks

  This is when you sneeze and all of a sudden snot comes flying out of your nose and you have to clean it off your friend’s shirt. You didn’t even need to pick to loosen those boogers.

  Flicking Your Pickings

  This is when you use your boogers to taunt family members. You leave it on the tip of your finger and threaten to fling it if anyone comes too close.

  Why was the boy’s mother horrified when he came home with a broken nose?

  He couldn’t remember who it belonged to.

  What did the doctor tell the patient with chronic diarrhea?

  It runs in your family.

  How do you say constipation in German?

  Farfrompoopin.

  What happened to the boy who ate a thermometer?

  He was dying by degrees.

  Why was the student so upset when she learned about the Dead Sea?

  She didn’t even know it was sick.

  What do you call a coward in the electric chair?

  Extra crispy chicken.

  What’s the best way to cure acid indigestion?

  Stop drinking acid.

  What do you do when someone rolls their eyes at you?

  You pick them up and give them back.

  Seriously Sick

  The average person can pee anywhere from 1.5 to 3.5 pints a day. But did you know that sweat and urine are virtually the same thing? They both contain something called urea, which causes them to smell bad. Pretty gross, huh?

  What do you call a bearded woman who grants wishes?

  A hairy godmother.

  Lady: Am I too late for the garbage truck?

  Garbage Truck Driver: Nope, jump right in.

  How do you turn an ordinary scientist into a mad scientist?

  Punch him in the nose.

  What kind of illness do roofers get?


  Shingles.

  Why should you never pee in a public pool?

  The public doesn’t swim in your toilet so you shouldn’t pee in their pool.

  What magic word do you have to say if you want to get rid of your scabs?

  Scabracadabra.

  What happened to the hunter who was following tracks in the woods?

  He got hit by a train.

  What happened to the man who cut off his right butt cheek?

  He was left behind.

  Did you hear about the math teacher who was constipated?

  He worked it out with a pencil.

  What happened when the customer complained that his meal wasn’t fit for a pig?

  The waiter said he’d take it back and bring him a meal that was fit for a pig.

  Why did Silly Sam get a pain in his nose every time he drank a cup of coffee?

  He forgot to take the spoon out of the cup before sipping.

  Seriously Sick

  Did you ever stick your nose in the bud of a rafflesia flower? This flower smells disgusting, like rotting flesh or spoiled milk. The rafflesia is such a stinker it’s even nicknamed the “corpse flower.” It’s better to give these flowers to your enemies instead of your loved ones.

  What did the nice hangman say to his victim?

  Is the noose too tight?

  Why were the barber’s hands so dirty?

  No one had been in for a shampoo all day.

  What did the waiter say when the customer asked if the chef had pig’s feet?

  I don’t know, he’s got his shoes on.

  Should kids with the flu go to school?

  It’s snot for you to decide.

  Knock Knock

  Who’s there?

  Warren.

  Warren who?

  Warren earth did you get such

  an ugly face?

  How did the school teacher keep the boys on their toes?

  He raised the urinals a couple of inches.

  Did you hear about the Indian chief who drank twenty cups of tea and went to bed?

  He drowned in his tea-pee.

  Seriously Sick

  Does it ever sound like a bulldozer is whipping through your stomach? Well, that sound comes from the digestive juices sloshing around in there. Your body makes about two gallons of that stuff a day, and it can stay there for up to four hours after you eat.