Jumbo Jokes and Riddles Book Read online

  Can you underline the seven gross words hiding in these sentences?

  The words you’re looking for are in the list, but careful—there are a few extras!

  Chapter 31

  Tales of the Gross and Famous

  What am I?

  I am famous for my strange parenting methods. I lay eggs, and after the father comes along to fertilize the eggs, I make sure to swallow every single one of them to keep them safe. When they hatch, I throw up the slimy babies.

  What am I?

  What’s the most important thing Santa tells his reindeer?

  Don’t eat yellow snow.

  What do you get if you cross a science fiction movie with a frog?

  Star Warts.

  Why does Tigger smell so bad?

  Because he plays with Pooh.

  What were Tarzan’s last words?

  Who greased this vine?

  What’s green and smells?

  The Incredible Hulk’s fart.

  What do you get when you cross a dinosaur and a pig?

  Jurassic Pork.

  How come Cinderella never made the football team?

  She kept running away from the ball.

  Dodging Dog Doo

  A practical joker has covered this yard with dog doo—but only some of it is fake! Can you get from the top to the bottom of the yard without smooshing your shoe in the real doo? Put an X through each letter that appears more than three times. The piles that are left are perfectly plastic and safe to walk on.

  GROSS-O-METER

  In 1998, Kevin Cole of New Mexico broke a world record by ejecting a 7.5 inch strand of spaghetti out of his nostrils. Then he nose-flossed by shooting one end of the spaghetti out of each nostril. Nose flossing gets a sticky nine on the Gross-o-meter scale. Spaghetti and snotballs, anyone?

  Why did Frankenstein always get sick after a meal?

  He kept bolting down his food.

  What did the Big Bad Wolf say when he got a stomachache?

  Maybe it was someone I ate.

  What do you get if you cross a guillotine with a cowboy who has a sore throat?

  A headless hoarse man.

  How did Pinocchio get splinters in his hands?

  He was scratching his head.

  What do you call a large, dancing gorilla?

  King Conga.

  What do you call a pig that can climb the side of a building?

  Spider ham.

  GROSS-O-METER

  In 1991, a woman in California made the Guinness Book of World Records when her toenails reached over six inches long each. Her husband gave her a choice, him or the toenails. She chose the toenails. Six-inch toenails rank a nasty seven on the Gross-o-meter scale.

  How did Captain Hook meet his end?

  He picked his nose with the wrong hand.

  What do you get when you cross a whale with a dead fish?

  Moby Ick.

  How do you keep a really gross kid in suspense?

  Break the letter code to find the answer to this riddle. HINT: Read the answer from top to bottom.

  What am I?

  I am a condition that you get when a tiny mite starts using your skin as a playground for digging tunnels. This mite may lay its eggs between your fingers, an area that will no doubt become completely infected and filled with pus.

  What am I?

  What would George Washington do if he were alive today?

  Scratch at the lid of his coffin.

  What’s brown and sits on a piano bench?

  Beethoven’s last movement.

  Why did the Beatles break up?

  They were bugging each other.

  GROSS-O-METER

  Kim Goodman takes the record for literally being able to pop her eyes out of her head. They don’t come all the way out, but they do pop out to a little under half an inch from her eye sockets. Eyeballs that don’t stay in your head rank a seven on the Gross-o-meter scale.

  Why couldn’t Batman go fishing?

  Robin ate all the worms.

  What do you call Batman

  after he’s been run over by a truck? Splatman.

  GROSS-O-METER

  The record for eating the most worms goes to a man in India nicknamed Snake Manu. He ate 200 earthworms in thirty seconds. Eating creepy crawly things gets a nine on the Gross-o-meter scale, but eating them really fast gets a ten.

  Knock Knock

  Who’s there?

  Yoda.

  Yoda who?

  Yoda scariest thing

  I’ve ever seen.

  What do you call a booger that’s

  been sneezed across the room?

  To find the answer to this riddle, color in all the shapes with the letters S-N-E-E-Z-E.

  Why did the Wicked Witch eat turkey?

  Flying monkeys are too hard to catch on her broom.

  What’s the real reason Rudolph has a red nose?

  Prancer beat him during a boxing match.

  Why do cannibals love Wheel of Fortune?

  They like to buy bowels.

  Why did Dracula always have breath mints with him?

  He suffered from bat breath.

  What do you get if you cross Godzilla with a parrot?

  A messy cage.

  What do you get when you cross a serial killer with a pair of jeans?

  Jack the zipper.

  Who’s green, has a lot of hair, and lives in a tower?

  A barfing Rapunzel.

  How do you know if the Hunchback of Notre Dame is upset with you?

  He gets bent out of shape.

  Which barbarian ate the Roman Empire?

  Attila the Hungry.

  What is Mozart doing now that he’s dead?

  Decomposing.

  What do a spaceship and toilet paper have in common?

  They both circle Uranus.

  How did the Wicked Witch make yogurt?

  She stared at a glass of milk until it curdled.

  What do you get when you cross an ant and a rabbit?

  Bugs Bunny.

  What do you call termites that want to

  chew up the whole world?

  Terminators.

  Puzzle Answers

  Noah

  Knocked to Pieces

  Say What?

  I Can’t Hear You

  Mix and Match

  Please Fix That

  Hidden Helper

  Alli-OOPS!

  How Polite!

  It’s Me!

  Which Window

  Half a Chance

  Rhyme Time

  Crazy Criss-Cross

  Knock once

  Who Is It?

  Mixed Up Endings

  Wendy’s Here

  Open the Door

  Come and Get It!

  We Deliver!

  Funny Friends

  Ho, Ho, Ho

  Aye, Aye Captain

  Where in the World?

  Do I Know You?, Puzzle 1

  Do I Know You? Puzzle 2

  Don’t Forget to Brush

  Dots Funny

  Who Comes First?

  Tennis Anyone?

  Read My Lips

  Bad Band

  A Sloppy Subject

  Math Class

  Loop the Zoo!

  Say What?

  Feel Better

  Funny Flight

  Where in the World

  The Hungry Traveler

  Frightened Food

  Good Home Cookin’

  Second Helping

  Comic Contest

  1. baseball cap, weather balloons, sweat-R (sweater), pet sheepdog

  2. stocking cap, pet hot dog, blue (sad) jeans, pair of slippers (otherwise known as banana peels)

  3. top hat, T-shirt, pet watchdog

  4. THE WINNER! ski hat, rain coat, seeing i (eye) dog, bellbottom pants, elevator shoes

  Silly Sally

  Silly Sally like things that have double letters!

  Look at the picture
of Silly Sally and you will see a balloon, a butterfly, glasses, earrings, mittens, buttons, a dress (covered with loops), boots, and a poodle!

  Silly Slogans

  Cross Plumber

  Why Did the Lion...

  Hinky Pinkies

  Half a House?

  Which Window?

  Fun House

  Night Games

  Hoops!

  Balls of fun

  Big Brothers

  Starting in the lower righthand corner, going up, then spiraling around: The Woods have six children, five boys and one girl. Any one of the boys will have four brothers, while the girl will have five brothers.

  The Family Name Game

  Watch Out! Answer 1

  Watch Out! Answer 2

  Hidden Family

  1. We had fun cleaning the garage!

  2. The leprechaun told me where to find a pot of gold!

  3. The music was so raucous, I needed to cover my ears!

  4. Under the sofa there are many dustballs.

  5. Did you read the same memo the rest of us read?

  6. During a crisis, terrific people often show up to help!

  7. The chicken broth erased the last symptoms of Brian's cold.

  8. My friend in L.A. was happy to have me visit her!

  Lost Letters

  Help! and As Different as Knight and Day

  Boo Hoo!

  Goofy Gardener

  Get to the Point!

  Stink Pinks

  How do toilets keep in touch?

  What do you get if an ax falls on your

  What’s invisible and smells like bananas?

  Knock, knock.

  Why couldn’t the caveman hear the pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

  What do you get if you cross a piranha with your nose?

  Sick Change

  What do you call a fairy that never showers?

  Sluuuurp

  Strange Soup

  On what day of the week do lions eat people?

  B-ughs!

  1. There are six roaches, but only five spiders. 2. There are six flies. If each fly has six legs, that makes 36 fly legs in all. 3. The mosquito that has just bitten someone is on the left-hand side of the page, near the bottom, between the two flies. You can tell it just had lunch because its belly is swollen with all the blood it just sucked up. Gross!

  What About Jimmy?

  Grime Time

  Rude Rebus Riddles

  Gross A to Z

  What goes “Ha, Ha, Ha, PLOP!”

  Gross Garret likes . . .

  Gross Garret likes anything spelled with double letters!

  Who Foofed?

  What do you call a millionaire with really bad body odor?

  Why did the chef put exactly 239 beans in his pot of chili?

  Where’s Walmo?

  What’s the best puzzle for someone with zits?

  Hide the Gross Stuff

  Dodging Dog Doo

  How do you keep a really gross kid in suspense?

  What do you call a booger that’s been sneezed across the room?