Jumbo Jokes and Riddles Book Page 15
What do you get when you cross a quilt with peanut butter?
A bed spread.
Why wouldn’t anyone listen to Polly anymore?
Because she went crackers.
Who am I?
I used my brain to find a way to allow almost everyone to have a computer. You might say it was a “Window” of opportunity.
Who am I?
On the way home from school Tiffany saw a secret message written on the sidewalk: friends just friends. Can you guess what it means?
When Emma went to lunch with her father at a local café, somehow she felt she knew the man sitting near them. “I can’t quite put my finger on it,” she told her father. So, how did she know this man? Was it by his voice, his name, or his appearance? The clue is in the word café when you rearrange the letters.
Who am I?
I have been making house calls with my books for years. My medicine is laughter. My cure is tickling your funny bone. I like to write about cats and hats. Some of my favorite things are tongue twisters and riddles.
Who am I?
Words to Know
Someone who claims to be able to “see” or predict the future. This ability to see or foresee something is considered a sixth sense. It’s different from the other five senses our brain normally commands. Many people question the existence of a sixth sense.
Who won the race of the laces?
Nobody, they were tied.
Why did the aliens have to move?
They were out-er space.
How did they know the sewing machine was sick?
It just didn’t seam right.
Why did the seamstress keep jumping up and down?
She was sitting on pins and needles.
How do lightning bugs see in the dark?
They use their “flash” lights.
Why did the bathtub look so tired?
Because it was really drained.
Goofy Gardener
Use the decoder to figure out the answer to this riddle:
Why did the mathematician plant his garden in milk cartons?
What’s So Funny?
When the Williams family decided to get a swimming pool, everyone was so excited. Dad set up the pool, Mom hooked up the hose, and Junior placed it in the pool. While they were waiting for the pool to fill, they decided to go for an ice cream cone. On the way to the ice cream shop they stopped to chat with their neighbors the Smiths. An hour later someone remembered the pool. Panicked, they drove home without their ice cream, fearing the worst.
What’s so funny?
What one thing can always bring everyone down?
What is always coming up, as it is always going down?
What four letters can bring more people to a halt than any others?
Words to Know
sphinx:
According to Greek mythology, the Sphinx was the greatest riddler of them all. This part lion–part woman kept many people puzzled with her difficult riddles.
What can fall without getting hurt, then always gets back up again?
Just as Heather met the new girl, Mrs. Jones said, “No talking!” Now when would she get the chance to ask her new friend over to her house after school? Then it dawned on her. Do you know when she asked her? Here’s your clue: classes in classes.
Fun fact
Easy as Pie
Riddles and jokes are very popular with children these days. In the past, riddles were taken rather seriously and were intended for adults only. Sometimes these riddles or messages were rolled up and baked into a pie. Sound familiar?
Let ‘er Roll
This game offers equal chances of winning to all the players, and you can have as many as six people join the game. Here is what you will need to play:
• Piece of paper and pencil for each player
• Pair of dice
• Pennies for covering game card
You also need to make a game card for each player. To do that, draw a five-squares-by-five-squares grid—you can use a ruler to make the lines straight, but it doesn’t matter if they’re wobbly. Then, have one player read the following list of numbers:
1, 36, 9, 24, 18, 8, 6, 15, 30, 25, 10, 24, 18, 6, 3, 12, 2, 4, 12, 16, 9, 12, 16, 9, 12, 20, 6, 10
As each number is called out, each player should write it down in any one of the squares in the grid, until all the spaces are filled. Some numbers will appear twice. Once you are done, the game can begin. Players take turn rolling the two dice, multiplying the two results, and then covering one number on the grid. The first one to cover five squares in a row (in any direction) is the winner.
Get to the Point!
Color every triangle in this puzzle to find the answer to the following riddle:
If you have ten cats in a box and-one jumps out, how many-are left?
What did one shoe do to the other shoe when they got in a fight?
She socked him.
Why did the vegetables have to leave the factory?
They got canned.
Why don’t trees ever go anywhere?
They don’t want to “leave.”
Where do ballplayers keep their money?
In “you’re SAFE!”
What kind of dog loves to fight?
A boxer.
Why did the tugboat get grounded?
For barging in.
Sometimes Stu Norticcon gets a little mixed up at his job. If you take the letters of his name and put them together in the right order, you will find out what kind of job he has.
If it takes Stephanie 15 minutes and 20 seconds to run 2½ miles and it takes Trisha 14 minutes and 83 seconds to run the same distance, who ran it the quickest?
What can hold water no matter how many holes it has in it?
What never stops without the letter S?
Try This
It’s a Guesstimate
Guessing and estimating can be lots of fun. Pour a bag of small candies into a jar. Without counting them, try to guesstimate how many there are in the jar. Now count them and see. Were you right? Next, try having someone else guesstimate how many there are. Whose guess is the closest? Can you think of other things to try and guesstimate?
What are these three words the beginning of? Ready, sit, go!
If all the numbers hold a race, how do you know who will win?
“You bury us though we’re not dead, we sleep for awhile upon a bed, then, when we wake, we leave.” What are they?
This Try
Word Associations
One way to test how someone’s brain works is by giving them a word association test. If I say “black,” you say ________. Most would give you the opposite or the word “white.” You can try this on your family and friends to see how different their answers are to these words: night, up, happy, beginning, hot, and so on.
Who am I?
Although I loved painting and became well known for my Mona Lisa, I also enjoyed inventing, studying the stars, people, and the world. Some say I was a genius.
Who am I?
What do they serve in the ocean?
Sponge cake.
What do blowfish like to chew?
Bubble gum.
How did the pig know he would make it in the movies?
He was a real ham.
Why did the throat doctor decide to quit her job?
Seeing all those tongues depressed her.
What does the zookeeper serve at snack time?
Animal crackers.
What do you get if you mix a racetrack with a circus?
A whole lot of clowning around!
How do fireflies learn their multiplication facts?
With “flash” cards.
Which number has its own day of the week?
Two’s day.
How did the mountain know what it was getting for Christmas?
It peaked!
Why did the fishing pole get into trouble?
It was playing hooky.
Which month n
ever walks?
March.
Why didn’t the little fish need anyone’s help in learning how to swim?
Because he could “fin” for himself.
Words to Know
Oracle:
An oracle is a person who foretells the future using enigmas or mysterious speech. Mediums are considered oracles (or messengers) for others.
When Xavier the explorer finally sat down to rest, he began to wander where he was. Just then he found four words etched on a stone that told him the answer. The four words looked like this:
ON
OF THE WORLD
Do you know where he was?
Who am I?
I was a famous German composer. As I grew older, I lost my hearing, but I continued to write music that many people still hear quite often today.
Who am I?
Everyone in Kya’s family has a birthday in a month with 31 days. In how many months in the year could at least one family member be celebrating his or her birthday? Do you know which months they might be?
Introduction to Gross Jokes
You may not realize it, but the world is a pretty gross place. Just look around. There are slimy, moldy, creepy, crawly things everywhere— even on your own body! From dust mites and hair lice to fleas and bedbugs, there are little creatures hiding in the dark corners of your home all the time! And gross gook like mold, rust, grime, and pus can appear anywhere! There’s no escaping it—this stuff is always going to be a part of life. But gross things don’t have to be scary; learning about them can be fun and exciting. Making jokes about them is even better.
Not only are the things around us gross, but we’re pretty revolting ourselves. Our bodies do really nasty things on a daily basis, and if we’re not careful, we can easily offend others with bad smells, horrific sounds, and disgusting sights. We produce earwax, snot, phlegm, and sweat every day. We can’t avoid these things, so why not joke about them? This book will help you find the funny side of all the foul things around you. You’ll giggle with delight reading and reciting jokes about everything from cannibals and vampires to frogs in blenders and chickens that didn’t quite make it across the road. You can gross out your friends time and time again with jokes about slippery slime, curdled milk, sickening scabs, and gooey boogers. These are all important topics in the world of grossology— the study of grossness. By the time you’re done reading this book, you’ll be an expert in that field. If you love to burp, fart, pick scabs, and examine puppy puke, you’ll get endless enjoyment from this book.
Getting involved in the grosser side of life takes some time and effort, so be patient. To really live the gross lifestyle, you’ll have to memorize some of these grotesque jokes, pay careful attention to the freaky facts, and try every one of the gross recipes. Then you’ll have to share what you’ve learned with everyone from your best friend to your grandmother, even if you don’t think they’ll appreciate it. Remember, the only thing better than being gross is being funny and gross. Spread these spine-tingling, nauseating, nasty jokes to everyone you know. Before long, the whole neighborhood will be chuckling with disgust. So, enjoy these jokes, embrace the world of creepy crud, and go forth and spread the grossness.
Chapter 22
Creepy Critters
What’s the definition of a caterpillar?
A worm in a fur coat.
What did the spider do when she couldn’t carry the stick on her own?
She hired an assist-ant.
What did the cowboy maggot say when he walked into a saloon?
Give me a slug of whiskey.
What was the worm doing in the cornfield?
Going in one ear and out the other.
What am I?
I lurk in dark, filthy places and I only hunt in the pitch black of night. My sharp beak-shaped mouth drills a small hole into your flesh and I feast on your blood while you sleep. I don’t travel alone but in swarms. If you wake and turn on the lights I will scurry back under the mattress to strike another day.
What am I?
Foul Language
Coleopterist
This is a person who has the job of researching everything there is to know about beetles. A coleopterist handles beetles all day. This way, the rest of us can learn about beetles without actually having to touch the creepy, crawly critters.
Why did the blob always stay home?
He had no place to goo.
What did the mother leech say when someone went for a swim in the pond?
Lunchtime!
Totally Twisted
Make your own slime. Mash up bananas, mushrooms, leaves, and a drop of water. Store in a sealed plastic bag for a week in a warm place. You will then have the grossest slime you’ve ever seen. Share your new slime bag with your friends. They’ll surely appreciate it.
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Throat.
Throat who?
Throat out, there are
maggots crawling all over it.
How do you keep the flies out of the kitchen?
Keep a bucket of cow poop in the living room.
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Seymour.
Seymour who?
Seymour leeches in a lake.
Stink Pinks
A stink pink is a riddle with a special kind of two-word answer—both words are one syllable long and rhyme. Of course, one of the words is gross!
Ed: I once ate a slimy slug in my pajamas.
Fred: Really?
Ed: Yes, I still don’t know how he got into them.
Why did the beetle ground his children?
They were bugging him.
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry, scary spider crawling on you.
What am I?
I build my nests by chewing wood into tiny bits. Then I spit the wood out and mush it on the wall of your house. I make a mansion for the eggs I produce. Each egg gets its own room. When my babies hatch, I feed them chewed-up caterpillar intestines.
What am I?
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
I-8.
I-8 who?
I-8 a slug for lunch,
and now I don’t feel so good.
How do you make a butterfly?
Flick it out of the butter dish.
How are roaches like raisins?
They both show up in your cereal.
Why didn’t the fleas stick around on the dirty schoolboy?
The lice chased them away.
What did the cook do when he found a Daddy Long Legs in his meatloaf?
He turned it into a Daddy Short Legs.
What do you do with a scorpion the size of a horse?
Ride it to the hospital after it stings you.
How do you know if you have maggots in your fridge?
You’ll see tunnels in the bean dip.
Why was the blob turned away from the restaurant?
No shirt, no shoes, no service.
What did one fly ask the other?
Is this stool taken?
Why do maggots like open wounds?
They don’t have to fight over who gets the scab.
Why are mosquitoes so annoying at night?
They like a bite to eat before bedtime.
What am I?
I am a wiggly slimy glob that oozes. I can live in your yard, or hang out on your deck, or I can take over the whole neighborhood you’re not careful. I can be as small as a coin or as big as a table. If you try to break me apart, I just multiply and grow.
What am I?
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Thistle.
Thistle who?
Thistle be the last chance
for maggot pie.
What do you get if you cross a centipede with a homing pigeon?
A creepy crawler that just keeps coming back.
&nb
sp; Foul Language
Annelid
Creepy, crawly, slimy, and slithering are all words that can describe annelids. They are various kinds of worms, such as earthworms and leeches.
What do you call tired bugs?
Sleepy creepies.
What do you call a bug that has worked its way to the top?
Head lice.
What’s a blob’s favorite drink?
Slime-ade.
What goes “Snap, crackle, pop”?
A dying firefly.
What do you get if you cross a scorpion with a rose?
I don’t know, but I wouldn’t try smelling it.
What kind of bugs live on the moon?
Lunar ticks.
How do fleas get around?
By itch hiking.
What lies on the ground 100 feet up in the air?
A dead centipede.
How do toilets
keep in touch?
To find out, connect the numbered dots in order. Then connect the lettered dots in order.
Customer: There’s a little worm in my salad!
Waitress: Shall I bring you a bigger one?
Why was the mother flea so upset?
Because her children were going to the dogs.
What has fifty legs but can’t walk?
Half a centipede.